counterproductive literature

episode 14: 2002, 2003

2010-03-16T05:05:00.008-04:00

i wonder what i'd have done differently had i known it was the happiest i'd ever be.

i regret nothing, and these memories i hold helped shape me into who i am today. some for the best, others for the worst, but there is not a single moment i'd rewrite.

the fact this all took place 7 or 8 years ago seems crazy. time has slipped away from me and i have no excuses.

many of these friendships and acquantances ended over betrayal, awkward events and time itself; but i'd give anything to go back.

"ah, to be sixteen again." they say, and i understand why. beauty fades, as does the beauty of life.

spring is around the corner, or perhaps it's already here and i've slept through its arrival.

today, and if only for a day, i've decided to live again.

episode 13: not so virgin islands

2009-12-30T05:34:00.003-05:00

he recently returned from a vacation in tropical paradise, what a lucky guy. so blessed. all is well for him. he's doing fine, don't worry about him.

lately my imagination has been running both to and from my past. i'm starting to think the only reason i embrace today is because i loathe tomorrow. since a child i've always wanted the ability to freeze time and go about my lazy existence alone. free from all responsibility, social stigma, and prying eyes.

i have such trouble falling asleep, and even more trouble mustering up the will to wake up. i haven't moved from this couch in days.

this blog is beginning to look like the diary of a suicidal maniac.

episode 12: now if only i could play acoustic guitar

2009-11-01T00:52:00.007-04:00

you never cease to amaze me
ignoring your calls cause you're driving me crazy
not a day can go by now
i don't wonder where you are and you don't even know how
much you intrigue me
you paralyze me when you speak but i can't let you believe me
cause i'm too broken to show up
but don't ever tell yourself you have no one

episode 11: another quick year

2009-08-30T09:00:00.014-04:00

on september 13th this blog will turn one year old. it's amazing how much can change in a year, and how fast it seems to. autumn, as mentioned nearly a year ago, is still an important season for me. the scent of a dying wilderness, chilly wind only tolerable when accompanied by a hoodie, or if you're into looking like a fag a light jacket. september and october in new england inspire such vivid memories of a simple time, a time when i was more receptive, innocent and alive. those days are gone forever, and all i can do is continue holding the memories of them dear to my heart.

here is an excerpt of the insanity i've been in bed scribbling in a notepad for the past hour:

what a confusing and unpredictable existence. if quantum physics is right about how we influence unconscious/inanimate matter by merely observing it, i would love to know why the fuck i can't seem to ever see anything coming.

but i'm a hard dude to lie to, especially when a dishonest person is physically sitting right next to me and trying to pull the wool over my eyes. i, myself, am a great liar, but have a strong moral sense to avoid doing it, and on top of that my improv skills just aren't what they used to be.

autumn is so very near. how long will i have to look back on it?

episode 10: spare me

2009-05-27T21:16:00.010-04:00

keep your approval. spare me your praise, this false hope, this sherade. can't you see i'm lost? so destabilizing and unreliable, like nothing you could have ever imagined. the man you see is fiction, he doesn't exist. he just isn't here anymore, and sometimes i wonder if he ever was. don't sell yourself short with false hope. i will drag you down into this hole with me, fuck you, destroy you and leave you with scars that never heal.

epsiode 09: who knows how i'll look back on this

2009-05-17T09:26:00.011-04:00

secretive
evasive
careless
lost
undefined
deserted
evil
dying

episode 08: the times

2009-04-22T07:29:00.004-04:00

we're living in scary times. the masses are frighteningly susceptible to the power of influence, whether it come from a brainwashed parental figure at a young age, a propaganda film on the internet or the corrupt and ulterior motive driven news media. what we need to teach our children is to always ask questions and think for themselves. if we don't, whoever is center stage with a microphone will always do their thinking for them.

episode 07: stop giving a fuck

2009-04-10T12:10:00.002-04:00

we're all insignificant beings in an infinite universe. anything you attribute value to is just to entertain yourself and avoid the despair of how pointless we are and everything around us truly is.

episode 06: happiness is your best friend, it doesn't appeal to me

2009-04-01T01:13:00.017-04:00

another person with the potential to be my everything, a manifestation of my own despair and loneliness.

truth be told... we don't know each other. i really need to get out more.

episode 05: are you sure?

2009-03-02T18:52:00.017-05:00

how would you truly expect me to answer such a question?
yes, of course i'm sure. everything is fine. as usual.

i live states away from my family and friends.
my mother calls me frequently, and always asks the same questions.
"are you ok?"
i always respond the same; "yes, of course."
it annoys the shit out of me, because i don't want to discuss how i'm doing.
it would just make me feel worse.
so yeah. denial please. thank you.
but, in reality
there are many days i drown myself in alcohol and question blowing my head off.
but why would i want to worry my family?
her asking me how i'm doing is useless, whether it be a gesture of kindness,
content for smalltalk or a genuine heartfelt question.

until next time.

episode 04: they call you soft-spoken when you feel obnoxious

2009-01-11T03:43:00.006-05:00

they call you soft-spoken when you feel obnoxious.
they call you mysterious when you feel solvable.
they call you complex when you feel basic.
they call you important when you feel insignificant.
they love you when you hate them,
and you hate them when they love you.

*note i wrote this awhile ago, a friend messaged it to me and i googled it. apparently people have swiped this and thrown it onto their myspaces. awriiiightt, that makes me cool or something.

episode 03: things i miss from the internet

2008-10-14T01:32:00.004-04:00

no rates
no captcha
tetrinet
tanarus
e/n sites
ints
aol contacts
aol files
newriot
inside aol
observers
#obs
ddos when it was cool
vio when he was cool
qpqp
independent
reality
spicehq
planet88
selectfew
1im punt
mech being a normal guy
cam0 being new
old school progs
vb3
meca_5a.bas
ss3d2.vbx
aol 2.5
aol 3.0
aol warez
upside down by goh and uta
ice cream by face and sk8
monk-e-god's tree house
aptik.com
inthevoid.com
kraproom.com
krayon.net
kanaye's corridor
rj2's realm
ytc spam tracks
net bus 1.6
sub7
activex exploit
free.aol.com exploits
tetro pwt by trinok
=qpermagag
grandpasz3
aol press 2.0
frontpage 98
xoom.com
angelfire.com
formmail.pl
karasxxx.com
maxcash.com
8op.com
cjb.net
scroll.to/style-redirect-sites
phishy without the y
server1-10
attrition.org
msadc2.pl
being overlooked
alex ziperovich
dac
delty
whitley
indoe
spamming4dummies.com
aim suspension wars with nuh/xom
spizam2k
mail.earthlink.net
web browser by crazy
you've got pictures

episode 02: competition

2008-09-15T02:41:00.063-04:00

don't expect to feel competitive when there is nothing to fight for.

episode 01: blindsided

2008-09-13T21:54:00.014-04:00

this is a non-fictional tale inspired by someone who will remain anonymous, and is accompanied by a short rant about autumn.

i was young, and even younger at heart, so fragile and inexperienced, crippled in fear of rejection, incapable of taking the risks that someone seemingly alive would regularly take as if it were second nature. there i was, sixteen or seventeen. lacking audacity, courage.

there she was. naive, younger than me but much more mature at heart. glowing with life and carrying a smile so radiant it stole the entire room.

we were best friends you could say. consistently together, consistently accomplishing nothing other than killing time. and still, there i was, too naive to understand the ladder theory, to understand that it was sabotaging me. too naive to be aggressive, audacious, courageous.

now years have passed, i've morphed into someone strong. arguably emotionless and wise beyond my years. yet until history is rewritable, i will never be able to bear looking into her eyes again. the ones i used to intentionally look away from, as if to avoid losing myself in them. the same eyes that once took my breath away would now just act as a mirror, reflecting the person i was then. the person who occasionally haunts me. the person the unforgiving * autumn wind blows back into my consciousness each year. the person who was young, even younger at heart and completely blindsided by her mere being.

i must stress the fact that all of this is irrelevant to me now. i haven't cared deeply about this girl in five or six years.

with that said, it's funny how someone who seemed to mean the world to you at one point could just completely diminish in value so rapidly. perhaps it's just due to a human coping mechanism hardwired into our minds, helping us accept what we cannot change, conveniently running hand in hand with the truth that it's easy to see unrealistic value in someone you admire. sometimes when the smoke clears you realize the person you were infatuated with doesn't actually exist past the boundaries of your own imagination.

she quickly became just another air-headed face in the crowd, without noteworthy substance.

but still, i sometimes question what she would see in my eyes. the same person? the me from then, overlooking who i am present day? initial impressions reluctantly change, and individual human perception is subjective, is it not? who i am to her may never be who i am to everyone else.

* autumn is an important season to me. i never was able to appreciate its beauty until after i dropped out of high school at fifteen, directly preceding my sixteenth birthday in july. when the leaves were changing color that year, i wasn't being bombarded by the stress of heading back to school, but rather just hanging out with (and constantly performing mindless acts of delinquency with) my friends kyle, amber, jasmine, justin and a handful of others. i'd say autumn is my favorite season, and also a great reminder of myself at ages sixteen and seventeen. it was a time of simplicity, a time of growth, and is almost entirely a blur to me now. i suppose that means i must have been having some mind-altering good times.

until next time