what a wild ride it's been.
well.
"dear journal"
doug voice.
an odd ride is a better description. more of a sunday afternoon stroll in a vessel cursed with disaster maybe.
i'm presently in notepad with no intention of changing this line of text but i don't know how long it's been since i last posted here.
it's been awhile.
i'm old now. i'm 33 1/2 years old and i'm sick. what's already diagnosed alone is enough to kill me.
i've slown down considerably and lost my memory. that's been going for awhile now but it really accelerated when i started smoking snoop dogg amounts of marijuana. anyhow - damn. here's what happened.
2011/2012: i moved back to lebanon briefly after living in portsmouth with dan and then moved to santa cruz. i stayed in santa cruz for only a few months but met jillian in san fran. after creative differences with my partner and roommate i moved back to the area and into an apartment with jillian. here chico is introduced to the situation, and then rosie who is still (2/5/20) luckily with me but unfortunately i don't think for long. i love her so much and i loved louis and the rest of the dogs. sophia. hunting. teven. annie.
2013: jan 1st, my stepdad bill who raised me alongside my mother since my earliest memories and was my de facto father shot and killed himself. my mother tried to bring him back while he was clearly gone. he shot himself in the heart. i think she'd broken it. it broke mine.
late 2013: jillian finally leaves my ass for some sex toy store guy i made money with her through her blog with. i hit him with a rather unfriendly uppercut in vegas a couple months later. this is when i became addicted to benzos after abusing a single bottle of them for sleep. my panic disorder became owned by benzos in late 2013.
2014: i was alone and depressed for quite some time after jillian left. that year brittany was my valentine in boston. it was actually quite nice and romantic. we were old friends. as with all things that fell apart quickly but we're solid friends again as i write this in 2020 and could absolutely still hit it. this is also the year i met barbie irl. or was that in 2015? moving on.
2015 - 2016: the best 2 years of my life are spent with the loves of my life chelsea and our dog louis. my daughter lives with us for most of one of the years. the first six months we were together were spent high 24/7 on edibles. this is also when i made the most money in my fucking life. $525K in 2 years i believe. she left me and i lost my mind. i still love her more than anyone else on earth. i am bound to that girl forever and remember as much as i can. this is also about her and was posted almost 11 years ago now https://counterproductiveliterature.blogspot.com/2009/04/episode-06-happiness-is-your-best.html and this as well https://counterproductiveliterature.blogspot.com/2009/05/epsiode-10-who-knows-how-ill-look-back.html bringing a total of 3 posts about her here in this blog i post in once every 4 to 6 years it seems. it's funny that i titled it "who knows how i'll look back on this" and can now do so having actually been together with her in real life for 2 years straight. i look back on it glad i faced my fears even though i evidently always knew it was doomed to fail.
2017: sold ethereum early and lost all my money trying to do an ico. i was also in shape this year and had more money at one time than ever before. $250k i think. i spent a lot of money and did wild shit like go to the super bowl and live like a god for a couple of years.
2017 - 2020: my maternal grandfather rod passed away in 2018. that was terrible. earlier in the year i was in douglas between england and ireland living in what were some of my final rich guy posh days. beautiful place. i left my heart there, but not with maria - my lovely tinder date. in 2018 i also i doxed and chatted w/ s@t0sh1n4k4m0t0 which was cool. this is also the year i went utterly mad. i met adri irl but it didn't work out. that bitch cia.
anyway.
heh.
a final word.
this blog is so cringe. it's so faux-poetic and terrible. some of the content is great, such as the list of old internet things. other than that.. i have no idea. i'm a bit unhinged and appear to post here mostly during times of extreme psychological turmoil and really exploit that this is a secret blog. seriously. i understand how terribly bad and painfully cringe the ridiculous pseudo-philosopher emo-man content is below. it's the worst. i've evolved over the past ~6 years since the previous entry, a redundant mess of a poem, was published. conversing with academics over the past few years has helped there. prior to that i was keeping mostly idiotic company and probably still do.
the end.
oh to be episode seventeen again.
and on that recurring note there's a cringe prequel here https://g.livejournal.com that i used between the ages of 15 - 18 or so. that brings together a grand total of many years now. it'd be nice to live long enough to redeem myself in the art of writing. in retrospect i was off to a slow start.
